I haven’t written in a while. I guess it’s time, here are some ideas, the list will grow and grow.
- Give it a shot anyway. Even if you think you can’t get the girl or aren’t good enough for the job. It’s your duty.
- There are situations and circumstances in life where there’s nothing there for you. Don’t be afraid to go out of them.
- Daily life has a way of giving you little time to see the people you love most. It happens. Just enjoy the time you have around them.
- It’s not about the love you get, it’s about the love you give.
- Seriously, RTFM.
- Most good things begin with a list.
- Eat garlic.
My experiences here are absolutely necessary for my personal liberation. I show my face in front of all, I show what is true and real to me. I see relationships form, I see bonds grow and I see trust and respect condensing lucidly out of thin air. I cannot live without love, affection and truth, they are pillars of my resilience and my verticality toward myself.
I see myself acting clearly, instinctively, because only through action can I exist. There is no happiness without action (Disraeli) – action is the only way to shed my hardship and return to my purest form, break my bonds and come out into the world, relentlessly. Pure energy. When I act I am.
I drove through the countryside today, I flew toward the hills with resolve, I saw the low clouds streak across my path, stretching their haze and engulfing my horizon, I breathed in their vapor and I let myself become part of it.
I became the freedom of motion, I became the air hurtling around my body and I again understood what potent medicine the discovery of new places is.
I understood how moving through the world is moving through my heart. Undiscovered plains, mountains, everything is infinite and everywhere I keep finding myself, again and again. I am everywhere.
Bull-shit. Falling in love has nothing to do with the other. Falling in love is the crazy, delirious, liberating feeling I get when I throw my heart on a platter in front of the entire world. Falling in love has only to do with me.
Because falling in love is falling in love with myself. It’s the celebration of freeing myself from my bounds and throwing myself head-first into the cold ocean which we call life. Zero fears, zero inhibitions.
Falling in love is transcending this world and being everywhere, falling in love is denying and suspending time. Falling in love is ripping apart the fabric of this unholy human construct.
Falling in love is being in a place devoid of everything but what is already within me. Love. Life. Beauty.
I live and I err, the chagrin opens my heart and deep emotions ensue. I am amazed at the magic of it all: I am sad and I am here with – and for my-self. My sadness is absolutely legitimate. My sadness is only a means to learn to know another part of my heart, definite and fine. And each part is as warm and loving and soothing and healing as my own palms caressing my face.
It is impossible to love another without loving oneself.
As some of you may already know, I will be moving in a few days.
I’ve spent eight full years here, exactly one third of my entire life. In these years I broke off from my childhood and began to discover the boundaries between myself and others. In these years I found that I do have a soul, and that regardless of anything that may happen, it will be mine, untouchable from the outside. In these years I began to take responsibility for my soul and I was led on the inward journey that will never cease. In these years I learned that the only way I can show my true self is through being shamelessly vulnerable, by speaking about myself, openly, tachles and personally. In these years I learned to throw my soul on a platter and offer it to the world, knowing I can care for it and nurture it myself, no matter what happens. In these years I learned that true friendship only arises when I do all of the above, and meet another who does the same. In these years I learned how to play by myself or with others in this grand spectacle, on this grand stage which we call life. And in these years I learned to go past the most beautiful of lies and find life and truth and meaning and beauty within myself.
My leaving is not abrupt, and my emotions flow smoothly, as smooth as my life within me. And I took my life with me when I came here from Bucharest, and I am taking my life with me now, onward. My life, everything is already in here, within myself and my soul, for safe and warm keeping.
I will see you soon.
I have stopped taking pictures. I now take my feelings and put them in my soul. They last forever, you know.
Cioran once wrote that
“the shades of the sky compel equivalent changes in the soul.”
The overcast is dark and gray. The frozen, coagulated air seems to dampen all echoes – yet all screams are crystal-clear, and so the mundane borderline sensory deprivation is marked by intense moments of intolerably clear panic. Inner tension ensues, I need to shake it loose. I seek shelter. Home.
Our upright position helps us look at the world around us, but this “verticality” only keeps us trapped within what slowly becomes a horizontal dilemma.
Deep in the human nature lies our urge to transcend. For this, we must lie down. Facing up, we seek divinity, in any form we are tempted to believe it exists. Facing down, we look deep into ourselves.
Is it really that simple? What if we look into the sky and find ourselves? What if we look into ourselves and find divinity? What if we find heaven or hell, or hell, what if we find both and none at the same time?
So much uncertainty is surely enough for me. I be explorin’.
The smallest things make my heart warm. The way my shadow throws itself upon the green, green grass as I read in a perfectly still lotus. The childish way I hold my breath whenever I write down my feelings on my phone and send them to a human near you. The rock-solid awareness of breating again, and realizing I have opened myself to you and the world. The slow, lazy steps I take when drifting through the old city, with my heart in relentless suspense. The silky touch of my breath across my lips and its turning white into the cold morning air as I run through the world at sunrise.
Life is but beautiful alchemy, a golden blend of deepest emotions.
The balls of dust rolled gently across the high desert plain, caressing the dry crust with their touch. The dust dived and soared, headed for our bare feet only to flow around us at the last second, surrounding us, uniting us with the earth.
We walked and walked, stepping strong on the hard ground, or having our toes sink into the softer brown earth. And so does mother nature caress any soul willing to find itself in this barren, open space.
You cannot miss yourself here. The void screams at you in your own voice, it throws at you the most liquid emotions you could conceive. You have no escape from them. You face disappointment, solitude and cold regret, you face the solid walls you built to escape the world. You draw a short breath as you crash into their might.
The shock goes through you as the pressure pins you down. The monolith is hard, cold and unforgiving. The change in momentum melts down your fears. Your inner emotions become as liquid as those outside. Every tissue in your body screams ‘I am alive, I am alive!’ as you break through the walls in sheer resolve. The fear is gone. You are now alive. You feel.
And so we walked and walked on the desert floor, with wider eyes and warmer hearts.